You Might Also Like
Schrödinger’s cookie
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Sorry not sorry.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶