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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Still a very good boi….
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Every BBC series about the universe.