The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Peace was never an option
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”