Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Good morning y’all ☀️

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

That eye roll….

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat