Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.