the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”