the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
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I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Very good! 👍😂
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
the council will decide your fate
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence