the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
wtf is an acronym
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
step 6: release the wall snake
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick