the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
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Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”