Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.