The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
🤣🤣🤣
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.