The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Fiction has to make sense.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
felt that
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My dog learned how to text
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS