The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is