The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
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[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.