The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
This hospital has everything
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie