Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda