“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.