“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
choose your gary
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.