“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.