Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

👀

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.