the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.