If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
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God, I love Scotland
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we’re ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I’m nominating you!
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG