I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven’t had to deal with any Foo in years.
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during “If I Could Turn Back Time” does she mention killing Hitler.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.
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Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Doctor: How’s your headache?
Patient: She’s out of town.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.