@RyanSaysWords

The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven’t had to deal with any Foo in years.

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@stevevsninjas

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

@JiminyKicksIt

I’m not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during “If I Could Turn Back Time” does she mention killing Hitler.

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

@StrawburyDelite

Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.

@Marlebean

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

@_GPL_

Doctor: How’s your headache?
Patient: She’s out of town.

@darksidesith75

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.