the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
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To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know