“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
spot the difference
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible