Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?