Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Any refunds available?…

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.