“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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