Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.