*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one