Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Yes, this is exactly right

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.