*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
SCARY COSTUME
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
was Jim off killing horses or…
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag