Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.