The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I’ve disappointed better people.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns