The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
A leaf blower, but for people.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
#Thanos #MondayMood
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
#ParentingFacts
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.