The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Printer ink is expensive
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker