Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these