Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

these can’t be my only options

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

you could not pay me to delete this app

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.