Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.