The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
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Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
“you look easy to draw”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
