The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
He a real one for that