Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.