Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison