the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
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The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.