@benicus_rex

The four elements

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@ArfMeasures

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

@seamussaid

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

@geowizzacist

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

@mattgallo123

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

@iamspacegirl

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

@HenpeckedHal

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

@JohnLyonTweets

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

@murrman5

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]