Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Me: Between 2 and 5
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*jingles half the way*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]