[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
me when I see my crush
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
is this a threat
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.