The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street