The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
You Might Also Like
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.