The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
when nothing goes right… go left
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!