The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The news in a nutshell.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.