The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier