The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”