The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator