Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

Wish all of my viruses were this polite