The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.