The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Take care of yourself, ladies
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Why do meteors always land in craters?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says