Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

fourth time’s the charm

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

This is my pinned tweet

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you