Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”

Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

Blocked: 1985

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy