The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*