The French cow says MEUX…
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Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.