The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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Teach your children to beatbox
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin