The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education