The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
the short answer to this question
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Have a lovely day 😊
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Do not levitate over flowers
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Never let them know your next move 😂