The French word for sex is croissant.
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
mood
courtroom exchange of the day
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me