The Friday File.
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.