The Friday File.
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.