Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.