The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
You Might Also Like
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“You’d better run, egg!”
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
real
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo