The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
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getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk