The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
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told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?