“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
January has been Januweary
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
*lint rolls you awake*
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being