“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Tough love is true love
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation