The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.