The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
it was love at first sight
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Only a mother’s love …
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!