Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Me too 😆

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

why isn’t he texting back

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.