the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Can’t, holding a grudge
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.