the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
You Might Also Like
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
