Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

bugs when you lift up a rock

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

good morning