The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
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Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.