Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

6: are snakes just neck?

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Things will get butter, keep churning

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.