Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.