The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
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The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
WTF IS THAT!