The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
True
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red