The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married