Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.