The funk soul brother
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
He is just living hist best little life 😊
“Sheer Arrogance”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller