The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
All set.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
It’s his time
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?