The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]