The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
#Caturday
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.